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December 11, 2010 / thegrrlspot

Trying Times with Turkey

Ahh, holidays.  Those lovely times of year that bring everyone together in love and disaster.  This year’s Thanksgiving was no exception.

I was blessed (and extremely thankful) to spend the Thanksgiving holiday this year with my lovely girlfriend.  Not only were we together for Turkey Day, but she was with me the weekend before for my sister’s wedding (at which she served heroically by keeping my mother from locking my grandmother in a house in Historic Smithville).  As you can imagine from what I’ve told you about GF, Thanksgiving is obviously one of her favorite holidays.  After all, it involves cooking WAY too much food and eating until a deep calorie coma sets in from which no one can return until three days later.

From the moment we decided to do a “new friends in Savannah” Thanksgiving gathering, she was obsessed with determined to make a perfect meal.  These are the moments that try serve as building blocks for our relationship.  GF likes to plan; I like to ‘make it happen’ whenever I feel necessary.    GF starts planning roughly 243 days in advance of the actual event; I don’t work out details until the night before.  GF likes to remind me of my responsibilities so I don’t forget them; I like to freak out and tell her she’s being suffocating…you know…typical loving, nurturing stuff 😉

The week started out something like this:

Me: (at work) “Where are we at with the Parade of Lights permit? We need to let the LT in Charleston know so he can plan! And have you talked to the bridge branch about the Diamond Causeway construction? no? ok, I’ll call them.  Is that harbor deepening meeting tomorrow?”

*RING* *RING* *RING*  <–my cellphone

“hello?”

GF: “OMG, HONEY!!!!”

Me: “Jesus, what!?! are you ok??”

GF: “I just saw the coolest thing on the Food Network!”

Me: “…really…”  seriously…

GF: “Yeah! So if we don’t stuff the Turkey, it will actually help keep it moister. And if we cook it on 500 degrees for a little while and then turn down the heat, it will be nice and golden on the outside without burning. And…”

Me: “um, babe…that’s really great, but can you tell me about this when I get home?”

GF: “oh. well…fine…I just wanted to tell you about it…”

Me: “I’m sorry, it’s just I’m kinda busy right now.”

GF: “Sure. I understand… *sniff*”

*Head smack*

The fun only increased as the week went on!  GF drove to Florida the day before Thanksgiving and brought her mother up to join us.  Where could there be a problem in that? You might be asking. Family should be together for the holidays!  Let me respond by saying – Have you ever put two 100% Italian women in a kitchen together to prepare a large meal?  WWF ain’t got nothin’ on two Italian ladies trying to control plan the direction of a holiday cuisine.

GF: “We aren’t going to stuff the turkey.”

Mom: “What do you mean? We always stuff the turkey!”

GF: “I saw it on the Food Network.  I want to cook it without the stuffing.”

Mom: “But I cooked all this damn stuffing!  WE ALWAYS STUFF THE TURKEY!”

GF: “I DON’T WANT TO STUFF THE TURKEY THIS YEAR, MOM!”

Mom: “WHY!?!”

GF: “BECAUSE!”

Well, you get the idea.  It was at this point that the dog and I went and hid under the bed.

I thought my dog was on my side during this whole debauchery, but apparently the stress got to her.  Later that evening, we took GF’s mom downtown to a Mediterranean restaurant, as I figured they both had had enough time in the kitchen at home that day.  While we were out, my weenie dog succumbed to the stress of the holidays and started binge eating.  It is not an easy task to binge eat out of the trash can when your legs are roughly the size of a Jimmy Dean sausage link.  Not to be discouraged by size issues, however, she scaled her cage up to the height of the trashcan and somehow (I still haven’t figured out how) managed to get fairly far down into the trash without falling or knocking it over.

When we returned home later in the evening, I noticed that the dog’s stomach was mildly distended.  I found Subway wrappers on the floor and figured she had eaten only some leftover sub portion that GF or her mom had thrown in the trash after the Florida to Georgia road trip.  I scolded her properly and we went to bed.  In the middle of the night, however, the dog started making horrible gagging noises that made both GF and I sit straight up in bed with alarm…thereby, scaring the shit out of the dog and causing her to stop gagging.  Ineffective.  She then meekly crawled up in between us -it was then we could hear the screaming demons trying to claw their way out of her stomach.  Maybe she needs to go outside, I thought.  But after much trying, she couldn’t seem to pass anything.  She came back inside and proceeded to drink her entire bowl of water. Hmm…

The next morning (Thanksgiving Day), I noticed my little weenie dog was now roughly the size of a water buffalo and looking quite uncomfortable.

Me: “Honey, I’m really worried about the dog.  Her stomach is HUGE and she hasn’t gone to the bathroom.”

GF: (busy pre-prepping dishes) “Oh, I’m sure she’s fine.  She just needs to poop.”

Me: “Um, I don’t know.  What did you say was left in the Subway wrappers?”

GF: “Not much.  Can you start skinning potatos?”

Me: “You know, I think there was what was  left of a small roasted chicken deeper in that trash.  I hope she didn’t eat it.”

GF: “I”m sure she didn’t, how would she get to it?”

Finally, I couldn’t take the worry anymore.  I went out to the garbage cans and pulled out the bag from the night before.  Digging through garbage I found the container from the chicken. Empty. holy. crap.

I began frantically calling the vet who, duh, wasn’t open on a HOLIDAY.  I finally got ahold of an Emergency Vet in the area and told them what I believed to have happened.  I was told to bring her in IMMEDIATELY. oh great.  Happy Holidays and p.s. it’s $78 just to walk in the door.  I swooped up my water buffalo and headed for the car.

When we arrived, the vet tech confirmed my observations. “yep, she looks like a water buffalo.”  Immediate x-rays were necessary.  After about 15 mins in the tiny exam room, the tech took me back to talk to the doctor and look at the x-rays.  Apparently, the dog had not only consumed trash, but a small Indian burial ground judging by the amount of bone matter in her stomach (she ate the whole rib cage of the chicken).  I was “lucky” though because it didn’t appear as if anything had passed into her colon yet.  They would, however, need to stick some stuff in her eye that would immediately transfer to the nervous system and induce vomiting.  Lovely.  After much vomiting and more x-rays later, my dog had finally returned to the size of a miniature dachshund and was allowed to return home.  So if you’re looking for something to drop $400 on to celebrate Thanksgiving Day, now you know how!

All in all, the rest of the day went pretty well after that.  I only caused GF’s head to spin around on her shoulders and spew green bile once (which she apologized for) and all the food turned out delicious.  As it turns out, the Food Network was right – the turkey was moist and beautiful when it came out 🙂  And everyone had plenty of leftover stuffing to take home with them to eat the rest of the week.  There was wine and friendship, laughter and banter.  At our table there were people from New Jersey, Rhode Island, Puerto Rico, Guam, Florida, Tennessee, and California…who have all somehow ended up here.  Together we made it through the day and together we gave thanks for our family away from home that we were blessed enough to celebrate the day with.  So here’s to the holidays…never complete without a little love and a little disaster.

And I can only wait to see what Christmas brings…

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One Comment

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  1. Joy / Dec 13 2010 4:54 pm

    and the adventure goes on…

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