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October 11, 2010 / thegrrlspot

And Who Said Romance Was Dead…

I think I fell in love because of romance gone awry.  huh? you may be asking.  Well, it’s true.  My life doesn’t have a soundtrack like the Romeo & Juliet movie and Girlfriend’s verbal skills are a far cry from those necessary to profess the sweet nothings to make me melt.  I’m not easily meltable.  So how, you might be asking, did she make me swoon?  What did she do to woo me?  To firmly plant Cupid’s arrow in my beating  myogenic muscular organ?!?! …she screwed it up. That’s how.

One of my fondest memories of  Girlfriend’s attempts at romance involved a near death experience.  For her, not me.  And maybe my dog who I believe was also in the apartment at the time.  Let me start by saying, that my lady is the practical/logical type.  She likes math and order, construction and engineering.  Her favorite toy as a kid was legos – squares for building.  The creative aspects to her personality reside mostly in cooking (at which she is FANTASTIC) and being an XMEN fan.  Needless to say…creative, romantic ideas are not overwhelmingly plentiful.  So I appreciate the effort.  ANYWAY…

One night, after a long day of work, I came stumbling up the stairs in the dark to our apartment (it’s Alaska in winter…lots of darkness).  As I open the door, I see what I believe to be some-sort of small creature run by at the speed of light, breathing smoke.  Startled, I fall back against the wall breathing heavily and pondering how to proceed.  As I’m planning an attack (or my escape route back down the stairs)  I notice the strong smell of smoke, the haze that seems to be hanging in the air t, and the insistent cacophony of smoke detectors.  It is also unbelievably COLD.  In fact, I feel very much like I am still outside.  There is a commotion in the living room and a voice comes shouting from the balcony.

“I”m so sorry honey!!”

“Girlfriend?”

“Yes, I was trying to be romantic. I don’t know what happened, the house started filling with smoke! It was everywhere, I didn’t know what to do. I’m so sorry!”

I low crawl my way through the living room to avoid the obvious smoke inhalation hazard to find Girlfriend on the balcony standing next to a steaming object covered in snow.  It was not, in fact, a creature breathing smoke I had seen upon my entry.  Rather, it was my girlfriend running through the house with a burning log.  You see, reader, this was an attempt at romance.  There was to be a blazing fire, some wine,  cuddling – you know, woooooing.  Well she got the blazing part right.  But my finicky damper put a…well…damper on the romance section.  While building the fire, the damper had unfortunately gotten stuck causing the apartment to flood with smoke.  In her panic, Girlfriend had bravely reached in and grabbed the flaming log BARE-HANDED and run out onto the balcony to douse the flames with snow.  Hands covered in soot, eyes filled with sadness…there stood my love in heart-breaking disappointment over her failed attempt to make me feel special.  It was at this point that I started laughing hysterically.   It was then I knew I loved her.

 

The second fondest memory I have is also a tale of misbegotten romantic setups.  Again, long day at work.  Again, darkness in Alaska.  Again, stumbling in the door.  This time, however, there was no smoke.  BUT all the lights in the apartment were off.  Strange.  Normally, Girlfriend is home and comes to greet me.  Hello?  No answer.  Babe? No answer.  It is then that I see a dark clump of something in the hallway.  GOD DAMNIT, DOG! DID YOU SHIT IN THE HOUSE AGAIN?!? Yes, I was actually yelling this. Quite loudly, might I add.  And  then also promptly dropped my bags down at the door with an angry thud.  Muttering swear words, I leaned down to get a closer look at the clump.  What the hell…that’s when I notice these dark clumps are ALL  THE WAY down the hall into the bedroom.  I flip on the hall light only to realize…you guessed it…rose petals. Not, in fact, dog shit.  Doh. *head smack*  I walk briskly down the hall, now anticipating what lavishly romantic scene must await me.  In the bedroom, I find Girlfriend.  What was she doing?? You ask excitedly.  Was she naked? in sexy lingerie? were there candles? jazz playing softly in the background?  Um, not exactly.  Only a lesbian would wait for her love, posing sexily on the bed in….boxers.    Again, it was at this point that I started cracking up hysterically.  *Note* This is probably not the best thing to do after you’ve already successfully ruined the mood by yelling about dog shit in the hallway.

Boxers and poop…doesn’t get much more romantic than this, people.

 

Remember how I mentioned that Girlfriend’s creativity lies in her love of XMEN?  Yeah, well I think her envisioning herself as a superhero in addition to a little bit of liquid courage (aka vodka +Red Bull) led to the event that really sealed the deal for me in the romance arena.

My lovely lady is a bit… lacking… in the stature department.  She wouldn’t be allowed in the military in some countries and  is only 2 or so inches short of being qualified for Dwarf status.  Needless to say, this has resulted in her being used to having to prove her authority.  She is no stranger to being in charge or knowing how to assert herself.  People do what she says both in work and elsewhere (All those years of being picked up against her will and called “cute” led to this I’m sure).  It would be very natural to assume she has no problem being authoritative or assertive in the bedroom. WRONG.  For some reason, I make her shy 🙂  BUT, when you get a few drinks in her…that inner Napoleon will occasionally come out.  Early on in our dating, I found this very exciting.  We’d be out at the club dancing and having a good time…after a few drinks, Girlfriend would start talking some game (that’s ‘sexy talk’ for those of you not down with the lingo).  The promise of an exciting “after party” would leave me grinning from ear to ear and anxious to get home!  I was quick to learn, however, that the drive from the club to my apartment was obviously too long to sustain this liquor-induced bravado.  Instead of the sounds of sweet-nothings, I was usually being wooed by the sounds of her snoring as we pulled into the driveway.

On one such night of vodka valor, I was determined to cash in on the promises made.  I floored it on the way home, chattering vivaciously to keep my sweet amour conscious.  Pulling into the driveway, I was thrilled to see that she was still very much alert.  Rushing her up the stairs, I drug her into the bedroom as fast as possible.  Fumbling in the dark,  the awkwardly drunken foreplay began.  This provocative scene was short-lived, however, as instead of ‘jumping my bones’, Girlfriend jumped off the freaking bed!  No, wait.  Jumped would be in inaccurate description.  SUPERWOMAN LEAPED would be more appropriate in describing the cow-jumping-over-the-moon flight that she took head-first over me, off the bed, and onto the floor landing in a heap with a loud thud.

Me: (craning my neck to see) “WHAT THE HELL!…Um, are you ok?”

GF: (some indiscernible mumbling and moaning)

Me: (trying to stifle the hysterical laughter) “Babe…are you alright?”

GF: “ouch.”

Me: “oh yeah, that was a good one.  Get your butt back up here. We’re going to sleep.”

Ah, yes.  So smooth, she is.  I’m dating a regular Don Juan 🙂

 

When I say I fell in love because of romance gone awry – obviously, you understand I am not joking.  It is the lack of success and the resilient tries that have melted my heart.  My days are filled with incredible amounts of laughter because my girlfriend isn’t the smoothest talker, or a Victoria Secret model, or even fire safety conscious.  But she tries.  With all her might.  Every time.  As it turns out, I fall madly for botched romance.  And I truly believe that’s what everybody falls for in the end 🙂  Aww…sappy…and who said romance was dead?

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4 Comments

Leave a Comment
  1. Jeanette / Oct 11 2010 10:28 pm

    Jen, this made me laugh out loud with tears rolling down my cheeks. The visualization is perfect and, I can see her in all her movements and the words she used. Love this, honey – great great job.

    Momma J

  2. Jeanette / Oct 11 2010 10:28 pm

    I obviously did not proof read my last comment!

    • thegrrlspot / Oct 11 2010 10:45 pm

      No worries, I fixed it for ya 😉 Glad you enjoyed it!

  3. Red / Oct 13 2010 6:32 am

    LMAO — nice post! Very entertaining read 🙂

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