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August 9, 2010 / thegrrlspot

Let’s Talk About Getting Old

So…I recently had a birthday.  Yep, the big 2-8.  I’m getting up there. Old.  The icy cold, ominous age of 30 is heavily panting down my neck. It stalks in the darkness, waiting for these last two years to go by…(cue creepy music here).   The imminent end of my twenties has caused a dramatic increase in the questions/comments/concerns area – I am FREAKING OUT HERE!  I missed out on the “quarter life crisis” and replaced it with the “holy crap-I’m almost 30-what the hell have I done with my life-crisis.”  Let’s discuss.

1. I am now afraid of flying. When the heck did this happen???  I used to laugh disdainfully from my ivory tower at my poor father who often needs a Valium just to make it through a flight! (Ironically, he works for the Federal Aviation Administration…what does that tell you?) Now I’m convinced that at the slightest bit of turbulence I’m going to plunge to my death from 35,000 feet, ending in a fiery ball of incinerated flesh!  I don’t think it helps that I’m ALWAYS seated next to the elderly couple who instantly grasp hands when the plane starts shaking.  At least THEY will die with each other! Meanwhile, I’m hitting the stewardess button like a maniac and practicing Lamaze breathing. ALONE.

“Ma’am,could you please calm down?”

“But we’re going to die!!”

“Ma’am…we’re on the ground now. You can de-board the plane.”

oh…right.

2. Chin hairs. I found another one just the other day!!  That makes TWO.  My late twenties have brought with them unwanted facial hair and the fear that I’ll end up that old lady who wants you to give her a kiss while the mole on her chin boasts more hair than Don King’s head.  Not that I have a mole on my chin…but you get the idea.  I tried to gain sympathy from Girlfriend by jutting my chin under her nose and pointing out my miserable misfortune, but she just laughs at me like like I’m making a mountain out of a mole hill! (pun…intended.)  “So go pluck it…”  Sure. Like it’s that simple or something. Whoever said “We have nothing to fear but fear itself” was NOT a female with chin hair.

3. Dragging, drooping, and general feelings of flabbiness. I’m not saying I’m throwing anything over my shoulder to get it out of the way, but let’s just say things aren’t quite as elevated as they once were. I’m no spring chicken anymore! I find myself increasingly relying on Victoria and her secrets to keep me defying gravity!  Thank goodness my sister is marrying a plastic surgeon because I can only imagine what will happen to these puppies after breastfeeding.  And that’s just focusing on one area…this doesn’t even take into account the future chicken neck and arms with more flap than a flag in the wind!

4.  I’m a dirty old woman. When did the hot girls get so young?!?  I feel like Chester the Molester every time I go out to the club now because it turns out the girls I find attractive (though they have nothing on you, Girlfriend) are like 20 years old!! AH! Their parents are still paying their bills! They play beer pong on a regular basis! They don’t need bras that defy gravity!  I’m so ashamed…*sob*

5. Speaking of jailbait… At what point did I stop being one of them? I used to BE jailbait….now I’m in the “datable” range for middle-aged women!  Before my lovely, older lady friends hurt me, let me clarify that I’m not saying that you aren’t sexy.  I’m just saying WHEN THE HECK DID  I BECOME YOUR DATABLE AGE?!  Does this put me in the “experienced older woman” category? Hm…Coo coo ca chu, Mrs. Robinson.

6. Time. There isn’t enough of it in a day and the years are running out.  I live in a constant state of ANXIETY.  Is this normal??  Girlfriend tells me I fixate too much on time, but how the heck did I get to be 28 and not realize what I truly want to be doing in life?!  And when do I finally realize? OH YEAH, when I’m under a government contract that I can’t break for at least another year and a half. SUPER. If you need to talk to me, I’ll be the one on the street corner holding “The End is Near” sign.

7. Granny panties. When did those start being ok?  Why is it I can’t muster the energy to track sales of slinky, silky and sexy shoestring underwear?  And why does my Girlfriend NOT care?!? Is it because we are old and settled??  Will my underwear the size of tablecloths induce the always feared “lesbian bed death??!!”  I mean, we have been together for a little over a year and a half…that’s like 10 years in Lesbian, even longer in Gay Man.  *For the Breeders reading this* – “Lesbian bed death” is a common term used to describe the boring, uneventful and non-existent sex lives that sometime result in long-term lesbian relationships.  If you’ve ever been married, it’s my understanding that you’ll be able to identify.

So those are the biggies – the most prominent fears and unfortunate developments that have arrived with my late twenties.  The fear of death looms large in my rapidly increasing age.  Unwanted hair abounds and unwanted wedgies rue the day.  These are but a few of the struggles that the aging must face.  I’m sure there are probably more…but it’s 9:30pm and, well, I have a strict bedtime now.  We old people need our beauty sleep to keep unwanted chin hairs away.

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20 Comments

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  1. Amara / Aug 9 2010 9:49 pm

    Just wait until you have to revert to the days of your toddler youth just so you can get up off the floor. This simple notion has now become an olympic event.

    (said in an announcer’s voice) Starting positions!!! MOVE!! …. and she’s off! Rolling from her firmly planted butt she makes it on to her knees – slowly moving into the tipod/bear walk position – she’s going for it ladies and gents will she make it!? Nooooo! – BUT WAIT! there is hope! There is a ledge in sight! Success using the aide of a ledge to lift herself off the floor she has made it ladies and gents!… She is finally standing!

    YES! This is a daily sport in my life now-Thank you Army.

  2. katie coyle / Aug 9 2010 11:06 pm

    dont worry about the chin hairs. i have found ONE gray hair every year since age 26. it hasnt sped up. just keep a watchful eye out and the tweezers loaded in the holster at all times. also, you mention BREASTFEEDING here?! are we getting babycrazy in our senior years???? would our children be second cousins?? (im family tree challenged)

    • thegrrlspot / Aug 10 2010 12:49 pm

      Ok so yeah it turns out I DO in fact have a maternal instinct and biological clock…second cousins in our futures!

  3. Becky / Aug 10 2010 11:49 am

    it’s funny…being 2 years your senior I DID turn thirty this year, and it didn’t make me feel nearly as old as the concept of YOU being 28. We are a couple of biddies at this point I think…there are support hose and velcro shoes in our near futures.
    If you manage to talk Mike into putting your boobs back where they belong, let me know how you did it, ok? I keep mentioning it and he keeps shooting me down….

  4. thegrrlspot / Aug 10 2010 12:42 pm

    I will have to discuss it with him the next time I see him 😉 I also think we should buy matching rocking chairs to rest our velcro support shoes in a few years. Oh! I should have discussed spanks too for those unsightly midsection rolls…

  5. Lisa / Aug 11 2010 5:25 pm

    Oh you just wait until the big 4-0 comes a’knockin… I have four, count ’em, FOUR chin hairs. They grow overnight you know. One day, clear chin. Next morning, four inch-long hairs. And those hairs are thick too.

    And, I’ve never been skiing. Always wanted to try it just never got the chance. Now, I’m afraid to even try it. Cross that off the ‘bucket list’.

    Love your blog girl. Makes me laugh 🙂

    • thegrrlspot / Aug 11 2010 5:38 pm

      Oh no! No skiing? Invest in the snowpants with padding in the butt and a set of wrist guards! Oh and start on the bunny hill 😉

      I think one of the devious chin hairs is already growing back for me…time to go do an exam in the bathroom.

      Glad to keep ya laughing! 🙂

  6. kensey / Aug 12 2010 10:45 am

    I can relate! Wait until you are 29, it gets worse! Please enjoy 28 while you have it! I feel like 27-28 was just soooo much younger than 29. If you want to feel worse about it, call me…I can add to your list of reasons I’m old-ish!

  7. Naomy / Aug 12 2010 2:57 pm

    Good! Now I know I’m not the only one feeling dirty for thinking Hermione from Harry Potter and Vanessa Hudgens are hot!

    • thegrrlspot / Aug 12 2010 9:30 pm

      hahahaha really? the Harry Potter chick? oh wow. I’m not judging…. :-p

  8. Jenn / Aug 15 2010 6:40 pm

    Getting older isn’t too bad. I’m dating someone who is 16 years younger than me…it makes me a cougar, lol. Wait until you get to the age of “I don’t give a crap anymore”…that’s fun. I hit that at about 35 😉

  9. alonewithcats / Aug 16 2010 1:14 am

    Sad to say, beauty sleep doesn’t keep chin hairs away. But lasers make 90 percent of them disappear. I’m told.

  10. Vodka and Ground Beef / Aug 17 2010 3:12 am

    I’ve got some chin hairs as well. It’s bad when someone else notices them first. I don’t have any gray hairs, but shockingly I’ve plucked two white eyebrow hairs in my life. That is so strange to me. I almost get a kick out of it.

    Great blog.

    • thegrrlspot / Aug 17 2010 6:05 pm

      white eyebrow hairs?! That’s kinda cool…maybe that means you’ll go white instead of gray when you’re old 😉

      Thanks for stopping by to read! 🙂

  11. Red P. / Aug 18 2010 10:15 am

    I can relate, mate… This year, my parents thought it would be funny if they wrote “T – 1” on my cake…

    And to be honest, it is! 😀 I’m lucky enough to still have all four of my grandparents, and they’re a riot. They’ll be the first to tell you that getting old sucks, but man, they don’t let age slow them down for shit. I’d be happy if I can do half the stuff they can do when (if?) I get to be their age…

    • thegrrlspot / Aug 22 2010 12:43 pm

      Hey there, buddy! Completely unrelated…but I really think I’ll make it to Geneva next year. I’ll be damned if I spend another year NOT making it to see another country. Would LOVE to see you and Katherine 🙂

  12. fay fay / Aug 30 2010 10:08 pm

    I was so with you!!! up until the granny panties! Never ok. Never!

    • thegrrlspot / Sep 2 2010 7:38 pm

      I KNOW! oh the horror… How’s Trinidad treatin’ ya?

  13. Shanon / Sep 2 2010 6:52 pm

    Hmm 30 for me is in 2 weeks and 2 days. At the last party we had there was a slip n’ slide and I acted like a 13 yr old on it. The next morning I couldn’t move and felt every single year of the last 29 I’ve lived. Alcohol not only inhibits you emotionally, but also, apparently, physically . . . Wonder how many bruises, aches and pains I will wake up with after my birthday. 30 is the new 20, right?

    • thegrrlspot / Sep 2 2010 7:41 pm

      the new 20, huh? God…

      Today I had to do stretches AT WORK because my lower back started pinching and sending shooting pains across my hip. Why? Because I TURNED wrong while standing at my desk!
      I think you should have your birthday party here – bring all the VA peeps! Road trip!

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