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August 1, 2010 / thegrrlspot

Kayaking with Killer Dolphins

Let me start by saying  – HOW THE HECK DO I FIND THESE PEOPLE?!?  It was my intention to take a break from blogging for a few days, but this tale of woe could not wait.

This weekend I went kayaking through a group I found on Meetup.com.  For those of you who don’t know, this is a website  where you can look for groups of people in your area who are getting together to engage in anything from trail running to UFO spotting.  Beneficial to someone who is new to the area and looking for any reason to stop staring at the walls, get out of the house and meet new people, right? maybe…

Luckily for me, I did not end up going to this meetup alone thanks to a friendly gay man I met a week and a half ago who liked my hair.  Yes, never underestimate the power of good hair in making friends.  Through this gay man, I met my new friend,  Naomy, who I pretty much hog-tied and forced into my car so I wouldn’t have to go alone.  Naomy can attest that I am not making this up.

When we arrived at the boat ramp on Skidaway Island, things were looking pretty grim.  Huge summer storm clouds had moved into the area and were drizzling on our heads.  Not exactly the “sunset adventure” advertised.  Additionally, we didn’t see anybody who looked even remotely like a kayaking group.  (I briefly considered ditching the kayaking idea and joining the giant, rib-eating family reunion happening in the picnic area, but the threat of another nutrition talk from Girlfriend quickly squashed this idea.)

After a few minutes, a big truck carrying WAY too many kayaks in the bed came tearing through the parking lot.  This should have been the first sign of things to come.  Meet “Melody” – our tour guide.  Kayaker, environmentalist…and conspiracy theory enthusiast. We’ll call her Mel for short.

Upon initial meeting, I astutely noted the amount of earthy bumper stickers, the leathery skin from years of sun, as well as the irregular volumes & erratic speech patterns of Mel’s voice.  This brought me to a very obvious conclusion – Melody has done A LOT of drugs.  Oh…and I probably shouldn’t try to sell her on the idea of buying stock in an LNG company.

Kayaks in the water, we set out on our “sunset” adventure.  Everything seemed ok…at first.  Mel prattled on about the egret (bird…resembles a crane.) off to our left  and started pleasantly chatting up Naomy.

Mel: “Oh, that’s an Eeeegreettt…”

(see? WEIRD speech patterns!)

“So what do you do here? Have you guys ever been kayaking before?”

Naomy: (insert Puerto Rican accent here) “Yes, I’ve been kayaking before, but Jen hasn’t. I do research on coastal erosion.”

It was at this point that Melody nearly launched herself out of her kayak because she was so eager to discuss the evils of the money-grubbing capitalists who are so obviously responsible. Oh it’s so terrible, can you believe the way…yakkity schmakkity on and on. Thankfully, this riveting tirade was interrupted by – DOLPHINS! Yes! There were literally dolphins swimming and surfacing like 30ft away from me.  I looked one in the eye! Obviously, the close encounter with aquatic life made up for the 20 minutes Mel stole of my life during the previous conversation.

After the dolphins had moved along, the clouds began clearing and we were actually treated to a pretty amazing sunset.  Lots of glowing orange and pink reflecting off the serene inter-coastal waters.  It was during this time that Mel pulled out her camera and started snapping what, to me, seemed like an exorbitant amount of photos of Naomy and the sunset.  I’m pretty sure the coastal erosion thing might have inspired a little crush.  But I digress…

Mel then commenced to telling us about dolphins and how they are creatures with very high intelligence.  duh.  Anyone who took sixth grade science learned that.  BUT… we were not prepared for where this conversation would go…

Mel: “Dolphins are such amaaaazing creatures. They are sooooo intelligent. really.”

*mumbles of agreement from us*

“Naomy, you’re from Puerto Rico? Do you know about the secret underwater military base off the west side of the island?”

Naomy: (in confusion) “Um…no, I…didn’t. There’s a base under the water?”

Mel: “Ooooh yeah.  I have a friend who’s seen them out there at night.  They are traininggg the dolphins.”

Me: (skeptically)  “…they are?”

Mel: “ohhh yeahhhh. I mean, they do all kinds of things with them.  They put cameras on them…and bombs on them. They tell them where to put them. You can find it on YouTube. Have you ever been kayaking before?” (<—Didn’t we already answer this question?)

Naomy: (aside to me) “Jen, what the hell is she talking about?”

Me: (in wide-eyed confusion) *shrug* “So…the military is having dolphins plant bombs?”

Mel: “Oh yeahhh, the military has all kinds of stuff going on that we don’t know about! I have a friend who went to Colorado to a military base and they told him to dress for summer and it was the middle of winter!  He was like ‘No, it’s too cold!’ and they were like ‘No, trust us.’ and he walked from one room into another room and was in Austraaaalia. Just like that.”

(WTF?!?)

Mel:  “Oh, they teleported him! The military’s got all kiiiinds of stuff…stargates and teleports and stuff…”

It was at this point that the awkward silence on the part of Naomy and I began.  I mean,  what do you say when you’re at the mercy of a tour guide who can probably tell you with a straight face that she’s been probed by aliens???

I never thought I’d say this – but THANK GOD sailboats sink.  Because at this point we were able to escape further pseudoscience torture  using a sunken sailboat revealed by the low tide.

Me: ( awkwardly loud) “WOW! LOOK AT THIS SAILBOAT!”

Naomy: “YES! AMAZING!”

Mel: “Naomy, do you like to dance?”

ACK! CREEPY! (though providing further evidence of the coastal erosion-induced crush)

paddle, paddle, paddle…away from the crazy lady, quick!

The sailboat could only save us for so long, however, because we now had to paddle all the way back to our starting point.  On the way back, Melody regaled us with stories of killer alligators, giving vivid accounts of a golfer losing his arm and an elderly woman being eaten.  Unfortunately, these stories happen to be true (I looked them up) though many of the details were exaggerated…big surprise there.

I thought it would be hard for Mel to outdo the fascinating trivia she imparted to us on our paddle out – au, contraire!   For the big finale, Mel gallantly ascended her soap box to educate the lowly about none other than Nikola Tesla!  Tesla, for those of you who don’t know, was a brilliant however controversial scientist.  He discovered many truths related to harnessing energy, most of which I have only a base understanding.  However, his OCD tendencies (his hotel room numbers had to be divisible by three) and belief that he had received radio signals from EXTRATERRESTRIALS makes him a favorite of conspiracy theorists and avid watchers of the movie Close Encounters of the Third Kind.  Before he died, he was working on research to create something called a Death Ray.  sweet.

Mel: “We as a people, need to rise up and demand our energy back!  They are milking the cow!”

(I’m sorry, cow?)

” That’s why they shut Tesla down – he wanted to give the world freeeeee energy.  He could light the whoooole world!   He could make power using this little black box!  You should watch it on YouTube.  Hey…you see those blinking lights up there? The planes?”

Me: “…yeah?”

Mel: “Ha, they’re funny.”

(OMG!! WHAT THE HECK?!)

Mel: “Tesla was a genius and the government burned down his place. They’re milking the cow.”

(the cow…again)

“We don’t neeeed the oil and gas and all that. He could give us light with just a box using the air! Hey…hey…you guys are paddling too fast! Come back! I’m trying to teach you somethingggg!”

paddle, paddle, paddle.  HEEEELLLLPPPP!

So now that you know, Reader, tell the world!!  Flipper’s gonna BLOW SOME S&*T UP… and he’s starting with Australia.

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