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July 30, 2010 / thegrrlspot

I Don’t Read Fish Articles…and Other Reasons Not to Date Me.

It all started with an article about fish. She mailed it. I didn’t read it.  What I didn’t realize is that this particular article was somehow critically tied to my future health and my not reading it was evidence of my obvious disregard for what is important.  Bad at reading about fish.

Lately, my lovely girlfriend has been exploring the idea of nutrition, spending her free time taking cooking classes and making homemade jams (What else is there to do in Missouri?)  This interest in food ultimately led to a discussion about the hypothetical eating habits of the hypothetical children I will someday be bearing in our hypothetical family.

gf: ” We have to instill healthy eating habits in our kids early! Otherwise, they will become one of many obese Americans!”

me: “I”m sorry, did you say ‘kids’ plural?”

gf: “We can’t keep junk in the house of course.  No sweets.  We’ll only give them as treats on occasion.  Fruit is ok, though.”

me: “Um, you do realize that all this will go down the drain the second they are in school with other children, right? The kind that have evil Snack Packs and Ho-hos in their lunches?”

gf: “No, no, no! My mom had me eating healthy when I was young, so I always wanted fruits and veggies over junk food!”

me: “I”m pretty sure that just makes you a freak of nature.”

Now my mother didn’t allow us junk food when I was young either, but you better believe I was selling my soul (and the rest of my lunch) for the delicious, spongy and cream-filled goodness of a Twinkie!  My children are doomed to obesity. Bad eating habits.

Long-distance dating has been an adjustment for both Girlfriend and I.  We are active people and are very much involved in our immediate surroundings, so sometimes it’s tough for us to stay focused when talking on the phone for long periods of time.  There are SO many things to distract you! The computer, the refrigerator, the spider scampering along the wall…world peace…thermodynamics…

Anyway, on one recent occasion (not too long after gf’s discovery that I had NOT, in fact, read the article about fish) I accidentally zoned out during a very important discussion that was once again related to life with our hypothetical children.  Girlfriend had read what I now understand was a VERY important article in Backpacker Magazine about how to stay active when you have young kids.  I swear I was totally focused at the beginning. We talked about how we intended to continue hiking and excitedly discussed itineraries for visiting the glorious National Parks of North America.  But…then I got lost somewhere along the way…   The next thing I knew, I was in a field – breastfeeding.

gf: “…breastfeeding in a field.”

me: “…wait…WHAT?”

gf: (pausing in confusion) “…huh?”

me: (slowly realizing I don’t know what’s going on) “Um…did…did you just say something about me breastfeeding?”

gf: “You have NO idea what I’ve been talking about do you!!”

I should also advise you, Reader, it is not good to start cracking up hysterically in relief when you realize that it is not you breastfeeding in a field…it’s the wife of the author of the Backpacker article.  Your laughing does not help the situation and your girlfriend WILL get madder.  Bad listener.

My girlfriend, despite being mildly obsessed with the nutrition and active lifestyle of our future children, has the patience of a saint.  I am what you might call…slightly scatter-brained.  It is possible that at any given moment I may not know where my car keys are – even if I just had them in hand two minutes ago.  They are probably in the fridge.

One particular case that stands out in my mind is what I like to call “The Case of the Green Pants.”  Let me start by saying that those green pants were NOT on the shelf when I looked.  Despite Girlfriend’s rejection of my theory, I am quite certain that a poltergeist inhabited my last apartment and liked to torture me by moving my things around, only to put them back just in time for Girlfriend to point out their obvious location. Damn you, poltergeist.  Anyway…I looked high and low for those green pants.  Laundry room – no. Spare room – no.  Closet – no.  Did I leave them at work? no.  BABY, MY GREEN PANTS ARE LOST! OH, CRUEL WORLD!

gf: (calmly) “Did you check the shelf?”

me: “YES! I checked it A HUNDRED TIMES! They are not there.”

gf: “They are right here…on the shelf.”

me: “You just put them there, didn’t you…”

Bad at keeping track of things.

The list goes on and on…bad genetics, bad nail-biter, bad at math…

And yet, despite my inability to understand the gravity of a fish article, my dooming our future children to obesity, my ADD phone conversations, and my losing my head (were it not attached)…she still manages to love me.  And for that I am forever grateful.

Hey honey, where’s the butter?

gf: “It’s in the fridge, dear.”

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10 Comments

Leave a Comment
  1. Joy / Jul 30 2010 9:17 pm

    i would comment but i must stop laughing first… i will get back to that though 😛

  2. Luca / Jul 30 2010 9:31 pm

    well that sounds like my cousin. end of story

  3. Χαρά / Jul 30 2010 9:44 pm

    Απίθανο. Καταπληκτικό. Από τα πιο αστεία κομμάτια που έχψ διαβάσει. Συνέχισε έτσι!!!
    ps it’s all greek to me!

    • thegrrlspot / Jul 30 2010 9:47 pm

      gia sou, koukla mou! ti kanies? When are you coming to the States to visit? (yep, Greek is limited to niceties.)

      • Χαρά / Jul 30 2010 11:58 pm

        O.M.F.G. U actually replied in Greek??? If that isnt a surprise, i dont know what is!
        Well if u promise me more of these and in hard-copy (not soft, get the point?) i will come very soon 😉

  4. Shavon / Jul 30 2010 11:49 pm

    i can’t stop laughing…but i think i was doing your hair during a part of the fish conversation…I love and miss you both so much!!!!!!!! HAaaaaaahaahahahahhahahahhahahhaahaha

    • thegrrlspot / Jul 31 2010 1:26 pm

      🙂 Miss you too, sweet cheeks! It has been rough having to trust a new person with my hair! Give Rob a hug for me!

  5. anjinfo@yahoo.com / Jul 31 2010 1:40 pm

    hysterical. you are an awesome writer, m’dear

  6. Sena Torlay / Aug 7 2010 5:02 pm

    niiice!

    • thegrrlspot / Aug 8 2010 10:42 pm

      Thanks,Sena! Glad you stopped by for a read!

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